


sky

by wintersoldierbella



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), Youngblood - 5 Seconds Of Summer (Album)
Genre: (but in the past) - Freeform, Depressed!Ashton, Domestic Violence, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Mentions and description of rape, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn, basically the first half is pretty depressing, but after like 10 chapters they get help and then everything gets better :), but then travel halfway around the world and get help, description of violence but also not really graphic, mentions of past suicide attempts, not too graphic though, the boys luke's sister and my ofg live through some fucked up shit (as evidenced by the tags)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25411657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersoldierbella/pseuds/wintersoldierbella
Summary: in which esmeralda foster and her group of troubled friends relearn the joys of life by moving across the globe.orin which ashton irwin discovers that he and esme are two halves of one heart - but maybe he has given her just a little too much of himself.[lowercase intended]
Relationships: Ashton Irwin/Original Female Character(s), Calum Hood/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 2





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone  
> this is my first story on AO3, and although I know the 5sos community on here is not gigantic, I hope some of you find your way here and enjoy it too :)  
> As mentioned in the tags, the first half of this story is pretty heavy. Please be mindful while reading, and if you should encounter anything at all that causes you problems, please message me or someone you trust.  
> After around chapter 13, the guys (and gals) are shipped off to Sydney, to a therapy center, where they get help. Obviously, since recovery isn't a straight line forward, there still might be some struggle, but all in all, it gets better after that. 
> 
> Have a lot of fun, and please please please leave a kudos (and a comment too!) if you like what I wrote ♥

“It’s okay. Remember, the sky is crying”  
There was a short silence before Ashton could answer through his tears. His breathing was unsteady and his eyes were glassy, but when he finally spoke, his voice was steady.  
“Who is it crying about?”  
“Us”  


***

A long time ago, when things were just getting started, Esme was struggling. Her best friend had recently gotten the diagnosis of depression and a severe anxiety disorder after trying to kill himself. The whole thing had caused a trauma that sent him into awful panic attacks every time he heard rain or worse, a thunderstorm. Although he seemed to be getting better, Esme saw his pain, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.  


The illness was driving them apart. She could feel Ashton floating away from her, slipping through her fingers like sand. And she was scared; not just for their friendship, but for him. Ashton was going to a dark place, and she could neither stop him nor follow him.  


But on a stormy day in October, Esme found a way back in, a way back to him. It was early evening, and the clear sky had only just given way to rain, when she got a panicked call from Anne, Ashton’s mother. She couldn’t form a coherent sentence, but the words “Ashton” and “panic attack” were enough for Esme to hang up and rush out into the rain.  
The Irwin’s only lived a few houses down, and the moment Esme could see their house, she could see Ashton. He was on the ground, a few feet from the Irwin estate. His hands were on his ears, and although it could have been the rain, she was sure that he was crying.  


As she neared the 15-year-old boy, Esme could see how much he was shaking, that he was gasping for breath. Anne was standing close, calling things out to her son, desperately trying to help him. When her eyes found Esme, she was begging for her to help.  


Esme’s eyes wandered toward the Irwin’s front door, where she could see Harry’s small frame watching the scene. Ashton’s little brother was only 5 years old, but he had noticed that there was something wrong with his brother.  


“Anne”, she called out, “go take Harry inside. He shouldn’t see Ashton like this”  


Anne looked at Esme for a very long second, before nodding, seemingly relieved that someone was telling her what to do. Although Anne had always meant well and did her best to look out for her children, she was incredibly overwhelmed, especially since Ashton had gotten so sick.  


Anne left and Esme took an incredibly deep breath before stepping toward her best friend. She didn’t know what to do at first. If she should touch him, if he could even hear her.  
“Ashton”, she finally tried, and after a moment once again, “Ash”  


Ashton didn’t react. The rain by now had flattened his curly hair to his forehead, and his shirt was sticking to his upper body. Esme took another step toward him and then decided to sit down.  
“Ash, I need you to listen to my voice, okay?” No reaction.  


“I know you’re scared. But if you just listen to me instead of the rain, and if you just take deep breaths, I can tell you a story”, for the first time since Esme had arrived, Ashton showed any sign at all that he was aware of her presence. He took his hands from his ears.  


Esme’s heart skipped a beat and she scrambled for words, not wanting to fail him. When she started talking, it felt like the rain around them quieted down, and she knew that Ashton was listening, even though he wouldn’t look at her.  


“A long time ago, before any humans walked the earth, the sky had a soul and a body, and it occupied the earth. It was gentle and loving, and all other souls that met the sky, however small, were enchanted by it.  


For a long time, the sky was happy by itself. But centuries passed and it started feeling lonely. Until it found a companion in the sea, and for a long time they are happy with one another. That is, until both sky and sea decided that the earth should be graced with more life, that more souls should get to enjoy its beauty. And they gave up their places to allow humans to see the world.  
And still, even today, they are watching us. They enjoy our happiness and feel our pain, and when it is raining, it means that the sky is crying”  


Esme took a deep breath and finally dared to touch Ashton’s hand. And for the first time he looked up. Esme’s heart contracted at the sight of him. His formerly bright, hazel eyes were now glassy, exhausted and he didn’t look as young as 15.  


“It’s crying?”, Ashton asked, in a voice so small she could barely hear it. Esme just nodded, smiling softly. “What is it crying about?”  
“Well, the sky and the sea, when they gave up their life on earth, they also gave up being together. They did it because they had their own lifetime of happiness, and they knew by letting go, they could give this happiness to others.  


And so, when they see that us humans, who they wanted to give their happiness to, are suffering, they start crying. That means right now, the sky is crying about you, Ash”  
Ashton’s eyes were still filled with tears when he reached out. He softly touched Esme’s cheek, and suddenly she realized that she had been crying, too.  


“Us”, Ashton corrected, “The sky is crying about us, then.”  


Esme smiled and nodded. “Us”  



	2. one

Ashton would never forget the day he met Esme. He was just 12 years old at the time and the world seemed at his feet. He was sitting in his English class, head full of plans for later that day, completely caught in his own world.

Their teacher was late, but Ashton didn’t really care. He was wishing for the lesson to already be over, so that he could rush to Luke’s house, where the other boys and Jane would already be waiting for him. They didn’t visit the same school, and the others usually got out earlier than Ashton.

His train of thought was finally disturbed when their teacher entered the room, followed by a petite girl with curious. green eyes and a shy smile.

In that first moment where their eyes met, Ashton would never have guessed that this sweet little girl would go on to change his life.

Their teacher quieted down the class, and told Esme to introduce herself. “My name is Esmeralda Foster, but you can just call me Esme. I’m 11 years old and me and my dad just moved her because my parents got a divorce and we wanted a fresh start”

Esme’s voice was soft and warm and excited, and Ashton had to force down a giggle at her upbeat demeanor. The class was staring at her, all of them with curious eyes, but Esme just smiled, unbothered.

“Take a seat”, their English teacher said and pointed nowhere specific in the room. Esme picked the seat beside Ashton as their classmate’s eyes followed her. They didn’t get new students often, and never as interesting ones as Esme seemed to be.

Their English teacher begun his lesson, but Esme just turned to Ashton. There was a sweet smile on her lips, one that charmed everyone she met, and her green eyes had a depth to them that Ashton would come to love one day.

“I’m Esme. What’s your name?”

***

Five years later, many things had changed. Ashton and Esme were now the kind of friends you couldn’t separate. They had the kind of relationship that you could sense if they were in the same room together, as though they were magnets, always drawn to one another.

“Ash!”, Esme was screaming, running away from her best friend with breathless laughter. “C’mon, I don’t stand a chance with these short legs!”

“Well, that’s just life”, the boy answered. He was laughing too, running after the small brunette in an attempt to catch and tickle her. But Esme wasn’t having it. She ran towards Luke, who was standing in the kitchen with his back to her.

With all her momentum she catapulted herself onto his back and screamed “Run!”

It took Luke a second to react, and when he finally did, his brain was quicker then his legs were, and they got tangled. Luke and Esme fell to the floor, and for a second it was quiet. “Es?”, Ashton sounded worried, his voice careful as he looked at his friends at the ground.

But both of them just burst into laughter. “How are you _so_ tall and _so_ clumsy at the same time?”, Esme asked, trying to catch her breath from laughing so hard. Luke couldn’t answer her, or maybe he didn’t want to. His face had turned a deep red.

The three of them move to the sofa and Esme turned on the TV. They were still laughing about Luke, who had a pout on his lips, trying to cover up his smile. “I’m never giving you a piggy back ride again, Esme”, he informed her.

“That’s fine. She got me for that”, Ashton grinned, showing off his dimples. Before Esme could add anything, the doorbell rang. As she stood up to let the rest of their friends in, she couldn’t help but smile widely.

Today was one of the good days.

***

A few hours later, the Hemmings’, Michael and Calum had left. It was a school night, and the others didn’t live as close to Esme as Ashton did. The two of them had moved up to her bedroom, since Esme’s father had come back from work.

They were laying in Esme’s bed, hands intertwined, watching TV. Well, Ashton was watching TV – Esme was watching her best friend.

His hazel colored eyes were glued to the figures on the screen. They were a mix of a deep, warm brown and a bright green, the color of moss. In the right light, the colors melted together and Ashton’s eyes gleamed in a soft gold, framed by long, curled lashes that Esme often found herself jealous of.

Ashton’s face was a reminder that he was young, still growing. It was made up of soft angles, features that carried an indication that one day, they would be all sharp jaw and high cheekbones. His hair was sticking everywhere, a mess of brown curls on his forehead, his temples, in the nape of his neck.

Esme knew that he was beautiful. She knew this because she had never seen eyes like his, because when he smiled, he showed off the sweetest dimples and because his curls made him look effortlessly good. She also knew this because girls stared at him when they passed him in the halls, and she could sometimes hear them whisper about her best friend.

Ashton didn’t notice the stares. Or when he did, he amounted them not to his looks, but to his sickness. Most of the time you couldn’t really see that Ashton was sick. Especially not on his good days – he looked happy, then, like any other boy his age. But Esme knew that he was convinced people could see there was something wrong with him.

Before she could keep listing all the beautiful things about Ashton in her mind, her best friend interrupted her. “What’s wrong?”, he asked and showed her his dimples when he smiled. Esme smiled back, ran her hand through his hair for a second and then shook her head. “Nothing”

Ashton kept looking at her for a moment, but when he couldn’t find anything out of the ordinary in Esme’s expression, he turned back to the TV.

Someone had just made a joke, and Ashton reacted by giggling lightly. It was a sound Esme had cherished from the day they met. When Ashton giggled, he sounded like he did when he was just 12 years old, a boy without worries that wanted to conquer the world. When Ashton giggled, her heart feels lighter with memories of happier times.

Once again, Ashton turned to Esme. “Esmeralda Faye Foster, will you tell me why you keep staring at me, please?”, both his eyebrows were raised and Ashton was furrowing his forehead in confusion and maybe a little worry.

“It’s just… I’m thinking about how lucky I am to have you”, her voice was soft and so was her smile, and Esme felt like she might cry if she kept talking.

Ashton noticed too, and immediately his features were taken over by a warm, loving smile. His eyes gave her this really peculiar look. It was one filled with so much love that Esme felt overwhelmed – he only ever looked at her like that when they were alone, and sometimes when he thought that Esme wouldn’t notice. “I’m the lucky one, Es”, he whispered.

Esme shook her head lightly, but instead of arguing, cuddled up in Ashton’s arms.

The two of them had a connection that most people didn’t understand. They did love each other, but it was a special kind of love. Sometimes, even both Esme and Ashton were not sure they understood what this meant.

But what they did know and did understand was that no one could ever separate them.

And they were right. No one could have ever done anything to separate them. No one, but they themselves.

Perhaps if they had known, the decisions they made would have been different. Perhaps if they had known, they could have kept what they had.


	3. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: attempted suicide!

When Ashton Irwin had tried to kill himself, at just 15 years old, the world seemed like a dark place.

It was a stormy night mid-august when it happened; Anne and Logan Irwin had come from a night out with friends, to find their son unconscious, on his bedroom floor, bleeding out of two deep cuts on his wrists.

Things had been hard on him, after that, but it had been hard on those around him, too. Esme had always thought she knew her best friend better than she knew herself. But when she got the call, she realized that she had overlooked things. She hadn’t seen what was happening to Ashton, and she would never forgive herself for that.

The only consolation Esme found was that now, she could be there for him. The attempt to take his life had been a call for help, and Esme had heard it. Ever since, the two of them had grown even closer.

Esme was one of the only people that could calm Ashton down when he had a panic attack, and her smile was one of the reasons that he got out of bed, day after day, no matter how hard his depression made it for him. Storms or even rain had become a trigger for him, and he couldn’t be alone when the weather was bad – it reminded him too much of the night of his suicide attempt, his therapist had explained.

It became such a big problem that Anne and Logan thought about moving their family somewhere else, somewhere sunnier. But they realized it wouldn’t help to separate Ashton from Esme, the only steady presence in his life.

So, the Irwin’s stayed and Esme and Ashton and all their other friends tried to move on, get their lives in order; they tried to be happy.

Some days it worked. And some days, it didn’t.

***

It was a Tuesday. Calum entered the school with a quiet hum, watching the people around him wander the halls, each minding their own business.

He felt a little exhausted, but his face and his heart lit up just the slightest bit when he saw Esme waving at him. The brunette looked exhausted, as though she didn’t get enough sleep the night before, and anyone who knew her could see it in the way she walked, how her shoulders were slouched and her eyes seemed to struggle with focusing.

Calum did know Esme well, and so he could see how tired she was while he carelessly pushed students out of his way to reach her.

“Hey”, he mumbled when he finally stood in front of her, and when she just looked at him with a slow smile, he wrapped his arms around her petite frame. Calum could feel the small girl relax into his hug, and when he let go, she looked just a little bit better.

“What happened?”, Calum asked. They both knew what he was talking about, but before Esme got a chance to answer him, their other friends arrived and the subject got lost between their greetings for a moment.

When everyone had said their hellos, there was a small moment of silence. No one was sure if they should be the one to bring up the elephant in the room. Finally, Michael raised his voice. “Where’s Ashton?”

Everyone looked at Esme. Calum softly touched her shoulder when her face turned sad and her smile disappeared. “He had another nightmare. He isn’t coming”

More silence. “I’m vising him after school. Anyone coming?”

“I can’t. I’m sorry”, Calum felt bad, but both him and Esme knew that he would show up later that night, just for a few moments, to make sure Ashton was alright. Today was one of the bad days, and that meant that he would sit at Mali’s grave for hours on end, either crying or talking to her or just quietly trying to feel her presence in the world around him.

But Esme knew, and she understood. Esme always understood. It was what Calum most appreciated about her. She always listened, and if you asked her to, Esme always gave advice. But no matter what it was you were talking about, what decision you made, Esme would give you a smile and a hug, and she would understand.

Michael, whose eyes seemed unsteady and who yawned before he spoke, agreed to come with Esme. “But I have a test tomorrow I gotta study for, so I can’t stay too long”, Michael added, and all his friends knew how much pressure Michael was under to have perfect grades, so they all just nodded.

Calum took a long look at his friend and realized that Michael had lost weight. A lot of it, actually. He shot Esme a look, as though trying to see if she had noticed something was off, as well, but the brunette was talking to Jane right now, who also agreed to come.

Luke just said “Can’t come”, and then he left, and as he did, Calum could see the bruises on his arms and the slight limp he was trying to hide.

This time, Esme had noticed as well. “Jane, you can’t keep going like this. Please, let us help”, she said in a pleading voice. Esme reached out to touch the other girl’s shoulder, but Jane took a step back.

Her brown eyes suddenly seemed to be cooler, and she just said “No”, before leaving, the way her brother had. Calum sighed and looked at Esme. They both shared a thought – however unlike, the Hemmings’ siblings were always equally stubborn. 

After that, the group of friends each went their own way to class. In Calum’s head, the thoughts of worry for his friends were slowly replaced by dread. The kind of ultimate dread he had been feeling almost every day for the past two years.

***

Esme was sitting in her English class. Her teacher was talking to them, giving them a task and even though Esme was listening to him, she couldn’t actually understand what he was saying. The words went into one ear, just to come out the other.

Finally, she decided to text Ashton.

**To: Ash**

**I’m coming over after school with Michael and Jane. Cal might drop by later tonight.**

She tried to concentrate on the lesson even harder after that. Instead, her thoughts just went to her first English class with Ashton. She remembered seeing his curly hair and his bright eyes and she remembered wanting to be his friend.

Today, Esme thanked her past self for making that decision. Even though Ashton was a troubled soul, having him as a best friend had made Esme whole. His smile brightened her every day and listening to him, whether he was speaking or singing or laughing, it calmed her down in every way possible.

Esme’s thoughts wandered to Jane and Luke, and her stomach twisted. The siblings didn’t have it easy at home, with a shrill stepmother and a father who raised his hand at them at every occasion. It had been going on for about 3 years, when their mother, Liz, had been declared as unfit to care for them.

But both her friends refused to accept any help, and Esme had to watch bruises blossom on their arms and legs and sometimes even faces. She felt helpless, and it hurt watching her friends slowly fade away.

It was worse for Luke, who always tried protecting his younger sister and got all the more beat up for it. Recently, he had been distancing himself from his friends more and more. He talked less, didn’t listen, and every now and then, Esme saw him smoking by himself, staring at his cigarettes with angry, blue eyes, as though they were to blame for all evil in the world.

Jane on the other hand had always been quiet. She was a warm person, all smiles and attentive eyes. But the years had taken a toll on her, too, and day by day her warmth faded. Instead, she began acting stubborn and angry and Esme knew that Jane didn’t know what to do. Jane felt helpless, and so did Esme.

Her thing was helping her friends. But what could she do if she couldn’t even do that?

***

Jane Hemmings had never asked for much from her life. She wanted to have a happy family with her mother and her three brothers. She wanted a peaceful life, someone she could love and she wanted to not get beaten up every other day.

But while Jane did think this really wasn’t too much to ask, she knew that things weren’t just going to magically turn out alright. Her life wasn’t a movie, but Jane was too scared to take action. She was scared what “taking action” might mean for her and her brother.

“We’re here”, Esme informed her, and Jane noticed with surprise that Michael had parked his car in the Irwin’s driveway already. Esme shot her a small smile, and while Jane left the car and followed her friends, she felt a little bit bad for snapping at them earlier that day.

Jane knew that they meant well, especially Esme. But while she did want to get away from her abusive father, what Jane least wanted was to lose her friends, or to end up in foster care, away from everyone she knew, even Luke.

When the three of them rang the doorbell, Harry was the one to great them. “Janie!”, he called out excitedly, and Jane couldn’t help smiling. She picked up the little boy, and even though Harry always said he was too old for that now, he didn’t stop her.

“Hey there, big guy. How are you?”, Jane smiled at him. She had always liked kids, even though in the back of her mind, Jane knew she would never have a family. The thought stung, but she had accepted this as a fact. It was easier than to keep hoping.

“I missed you. Why don’t you come over more often, like you used to?”, Harry gave her a pout, and Jane's heart contracted painfully when a thought crossed her mind – he looked just like Ashton.

Ashton and the Hemmings’ had known each other since their birth, as their parents used to be close friends. Jane spent half her childhood in the Irwin estate, playing hide and seek with Ashton and Luke, staying up all hours of the night to talk and watch movies and talk some more.

And what pained Jane most was the fact that when Ashton was younger, he was just like Harry. The similarities were uncanny – they had the same laugh, the same pout, the same way of excitedly greeting everyone new they met. Their hair had the same color and curled in the same untamed, unpredictable way and they both loved Jane as though she was their own sister.

Jane couldn’t help fearing that Harry might turn out the same way his brother had. She couldn’t help being scared for his future.

Harry, although still young, was very smart, and he immediately picked up on Jane’s changing mood. “What’s wrong, Janie?”, he asked carefully, his eyes big with worry.

Jane forced herself to smile. “I’m alright buddy, don’t worry. I missed you too. Why don’t you go tell Ashton we’re here?”

Harry hesitated for a second, looked at Jane again, but then nodded. When she let him down, he rushed up the stairs to get his older brother.

A few seconds, the two brothers returned together. Ashton looked sick. He looked small, and pale, and sick. There were deep shadows under his eyes, and when he met Jane's eyes and tried to smile, she couldn’t help the sob that broke out of her.

Jane wrapped her arms around Ashton, the way you do when you think someone might fall apart, and as he hugged her back, his body felt thin and bony. Jane cried some more, because she couldn’t help remember the happy boy he used to be.

When Luke and her used to stay over at the Irwin’s house, Jane would get nightmares. She would wake up scared and sometimes crying, and Ashton would somehow always know. He would take her hand, draw small circles on them and tell her silly stories to make her laugh. The boy Jane remembered was not the same one that now stood in front of her.

Jane took a deep breath and stopped her crying. She hated feeling weak, and she also knew of Ashton’s tendencies to blame himself for making her sad. It was the last thing she wanted.

Before Jane let go off the taller boy, she drew soft circles on his back with the tip of her finger. This time, Ashton’s smile was more real.

Ashton greeted Michael next, and the two boys lingered in their hug for a moment longer than they normally did. Jane was sure to see tears in both their eyes when Michael patted Ashton on the shoulder and mumbled something to him.

When Michael stepped aside, Ashton’s eyes met Esme. His expression changed – he still looked tired and somewhat sad, but his eyes lit up just the slightest bit. He opened his arms, and the small girl practically jumped into them.

The two of them looked like they were where they belong. Their bodies fit perfectly into one another, and Jane had to smile. In the back of her mind, a question arose that she found herself asking quite a lot when she saw Esme and Ashton together – what would they do without each other?

They answer was, that they would be lost. They would both lose their reason to stand up every morning, the thing that could make them smile when nothing else could. Jane wondered if they knew this the way she (or really anyone who knew the two of them) did. Or if they were blind to the meaning they held for the other.


End file.
